So last Sunday I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastating? To me and only me, well i'm sure it was devastating for him as well, but that is besides the point. Shocking? no not really. So here I sit questioning my motives and reasoning. Weighing in the amount of time I have spent bawling the past 5 days and that number of times I have subconsciously tried to call him with intentions to take it all back and pretend like it never happened.
We started dating about 5 months ago and met a few months before that. At the beginning of our friendship I loved weed and experimenting almost as much as he did, but that was a short lived "phase" in my life. I have turned many many things around so as to live a more productive life style and I feel that although I have drastically changed, change for him was never on his mind.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and honestly I contemplated this break up probably for a lot longer than I should have, but I wanted to make sure that I wasn't being rash when I did it.
I had spent the weekend in Winona with one of my best friends and was planning on coming back that Saturday night to dinner with my man and one of our close friends. Oddly enough I had decided during my little vacay that I was going to be 100% in this relationship, no more contemplating anything.
WEEELLL little did I know the way that evening would play out would leave me with a completely different outlook.
needless to say I found out that "mr. man" (we will call him) was actually using other drugs as well and had a habbit of doing it only when I wasnt around so as not to upset me.
BOOOOOOO- I decided right then and there that unless he cleaned up his life, our future together was going to be short lived.
so I spoke with him last sunday, did the dirty and ended it while blubbering endlessly through out he whole thing. It was more like an ultimatum break up because although we arent "together" I still want to work things out for the future should he decide to clean up.
My biggest thing was that I didnt want to ask him to change or quit anything because I didnt want him to change for me. Or even worse I didnt want him to tell me to my face that he wouldnt change for me. But what I wanted him to do was change for himself. To change and clean up his potential filled life, get motivated and do it all because he decided that was what needed to be done. Not because his nagging girl friend saw it fitting.
so 4 days passed with out any communication.....LONGEST 4 days of my life, and than today he finally texted me expressing his concern and his need for me. I have been texting back and forth with him ever since this morning. waaaaahhhh..... Am I breaking myself by doing this? we talked about stuff and he told me that he is going to change and not for the wrong reasons. So I am hopefull, but I am also not stupid. As badly as I want to skip these next few months because I know they will probably be spent without him close to my side, I know that I need to continue to give him his space and allow him to change. Or else it might never happen and we will be back to square one which is no where.
who knows, I will probably grow over the next few months as well wich is nothing to look down upon. Still- Its not only hard and frustrating but its sad. My life hurts right now and I would really like it to stop.
and on that note- goodnight.
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