Wednesday's Child

First things first,

This in conclusion to my last post, will be filled with my hopes and dreams for the hopefully somewhat near future. BUT Im not going to dive right into it just yet. 

(I am promising that I wont ramble on today, and run out of time again. he he ha ha)

I have been slightly overwhelmed this week in many different aspects, which in turn unfortunately means I have been a tad bit crabbier than normal. Of course normal means never being crabby.....right. ;)

With all that comes with the elections (thank God they are passed) I have been a little more on edge. Through all of these different subjects that tend to arise and different opinions that get thrown around, I came to a sudden realization that the "Mr." and I have a VAST amount of things that we do not see eye to eye on....were not even in the same ball park, in fact we might possibly be on completely separate continents. So that being said, I spent many nights the past week crying my oh so secret tears. I assume its normal to not see eye to eye on everything, but I don't understand how we could be coming from to exact opposite ends of the spectrum and still be one as a couple. Its driving me nuts. And how do you date someone for months and completely bypass all of the important things that your morals and lives are built upon....

Am I just blowing things our of proportion? probably....

Well, than I had a slight case of amnesia about who I serve and who wholly takes care of me last night, when not the candidate of choice won the election. I bawled again every-time someone looked at me. But was quickly reminded that no matter what happens in this world, Jesus is still on the thrown. not my will, but his be done.

All that being said, onto the explanation of da da da MY FUTURE.

Last weeks when I posted my previous blog, I was so ecstatic about this plan that I had devised. That plan being this.

I have ALWAYS (ever since childhood) had an interest in cosmetology....what teenage girl didn't. In high school I told everyone that make up was my art, It was always my house that everyone came to get ready for school dances, and I was always the one doing everyone's hair and make-up. I have a sick passion for fashion which explains the majority of my credit card bills. 

The reason that I always said no to beauty school was because I let someone else words reign as law in my life.

I used to have these two leaders back in high school that went to my church. I was like one of their mini me's, and my best friend was the other. We did absolutely EVERYTHING with them. The lead a missions trip to El Salvador one year, and my Bff and I went with them. A lot of things happened on that trip, most of which were not great, but the one incident that I for some reason will never ever forget, was sadly the one thing holding me back from something I believe God called me to long ago. 

It was our last night in El Salv, and we had an early flight so all of us girls decided to pull an all nighter. We were all kind of bored and just sitting around, so I offered to give everyone make overs. Everyone got all excited about it, so I took about ten of the girls and started plucking, brushing, applying and teaching the art of the infamous pucker. The girls looked amazing when I had finished, many of them hadn't ever even held a mascara wand before much less knew what to do with it once the wand was in hand. So needless to say everyone was even more excited after completion, and I of course was feeling pretty good about myself. 

My leader took me aside about ten minuets later and started in with the, I know that you did an amazing job, and you certainly made this night a night to remember for a lot of these girls, however I have a strong request for you......

She made me promise that I would never ever going into cosmetology as a living, saying that I could do so much more with my life. That I had more purpose than this, and that I just shouldn't even consider it. 

long story short, our relationship didn't last long after that trip. her and her husband did a lot of shady things towards me that honestly rooted themselves deep down inside of myself. Things that I didn't understand at the time, and took years for me to get rid of. In fact I came to the realization a few years ago that even though I had not been friends with them for almost three years at that time, I was still doing EVERYTHING within my power to please them. They had planted themselves and their thinking so deep down inside of who I was that it literally took YEARS for me to realize that they were still holding me back.

Well long story shorter. I have been in a panic about my future for the last month or so, when it dawned on me....why am I not going to beauty school. What would I love more than getting up and doing hair, chatting with people every day....pretty much nothing.

Than it again dawned on me that they were the only thing holding me back. They haven't been a part of my life for years, why should I be afraid that anyone especially them would think any less of me.

I am going to do something great with my life, weather Im doing hair, or brushing teeth for a living. I am going to make a difference.

Now that I have finally gotten that out,

to spare the lengthy-ness of this post from getting any lengthier, 

this blog (again) will have to be "to be continued".......

sorry :)

XXOO

ok ok ok

so you missed me, I was wrong to assume otherwise. :)

well make no mistake about it, I adore each and everyone of my 4 followers. So much so that if I could bake, (which I cannot) I would totally mail you all little sugar pumpkin cookies in light of the season. Or maybe if we are going in "light" of the current season, I would bake little American flag cookies. But either way the fact remains that I simply Cannot bake.

I am going to skip the intro and the build up here because I'm just to excited to wait any longer.

I HAVE FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY FUTURE. or better yet I feel like God has finally given me a snippet of where he wants to direct me in the future. I simply CANT FREAKING WAIT.

There are so many things that I long to do with my life. In fact, the Mr. and I were walking around my favorite part of the city on Sunday and I randomly blurted out, "I really hope I do something great with my life." his obvious reply was "you will babe, you will." But honestly, I think there are two ways of looking at that statement.

One, if you believe that you are on your own, making choices and that the outcomes are not purposeful, only the effect of the choice you previously made.

well than yes, one could only HOPE to do something great with their life.

Two, if you believe that Jesus Christ has your heart. If you believe that, than no matter WHAT you CHOOSE to do with your life, as long as your following his voice and praying earnestly about the desires he has for your future than no matter WHAT you do, be it the smallest simplest every day thing, it is going to make an impact on someone somewhere which in turn will ripple through to someone else. Nothing that you do will not be HUGE.

I believe that as a christian, and as my love for the father grows, he calls and points me into different random directions all the time. Its simply up to me whether or not I want to follow. I could choose to do something that I think would be big with my life. Granted it could be HUGE, but would it really change the life's of others around me, or would I be just another name in the book of someone who did something. Or I could choose to simply sit back and listen with patients for the next step or direction, than go for it. Yes my name may not go down in history for any recognition as someone who did something great, but I would rather be underground changing lives, giving hope and love, than be standing on a pedestal somewhere.


Wow, so I know I said I was just going to come right out and spew my new vision on my future but it appears that I lied.......it also appears that I am out of time so that my friends will be the topic of my next post......stay tuned :)


love.

To blog or not to blog

That appears to be the situation here....:)

I'm sorry I continuously put off writing my life into words..not that any of my oh so lovely followers are actually sitting around with worry or grief but even still I do apologize.

I just feel that as of late, not only has my life been ridiculously busy, but it has just been one of those months where I'm so confused and frantic about all and everything that I really cant even bring myself to put it into words. There really aren't any updates to give or advice to share. I still struggle day to day with the desire to make it to the gym and than following that the desire to eat healthy and Not have the "last cookie"...so to speak. I still have to slap my wrist every day for buying my latte instead of making it at home, or when I do make it at home I have to slap my wrist for drinking five cups as opposed to one. I am still contemplating this whole new "looooove thing" with the Mr. Which side note......

How crazy is it that the Mr. and I have in fact been dating for about 5 months now....yeah

Funny story- so neither of us could remember when we started dating, and than via facebook, I traced back our conversations and figured it was towards the end of June....I am so not the sentimental type....He asked me the other day if I remembered our first kiss and I looked at him and started laughing....my bad.


Im still sad and confused about the whole bff situation.....which is turning into quite the dead end...I might be taking applications for a new one lol because mine SUCKS right now.

Yes and other than those day to day thoughts endeavurs and struggles, I have the week to week struggle...A.K.A...MATH CLASS.

It meets every Monday night...and every Monday night I am a basket case....

I spend pretty much all weekend long with my nose in my book and than when I actually get to lecture every ounce of information I had in my brain exits stage left and Im left with a big lump in my throat and a deer in headlights expression....did I ever mention my Monday night classes are FOUR stinking hours long. wwwaaaahhh

OUR ECONOMY SUCKS....I wont rant on it lol...but it was just one final thought that I had....

It actually crossed my mind today as I was about to go blow money (because I shop when Im feeling ANY sort of emotion lol) that I probably should save it instead because I to might loose my job tomorrow and than be STUCK with all this debt and no income....


Whoa whoa whoa, before I close this- how could I forget to mention the biggest Praise the Lord of them all...or for future reference, I like to refere to these as PTL's....

My macy's card DOT DOT DOT is down to two hundred dollars...THATS CHUMP CHANGE....yahhhoooo one card almost down and threeeee more to go. :)

alright my blogger friends,

Check ya Later :)

Its been a while

so yes,

It appears as though it has been many moons since my last post. I have been thinking about it, it's just the "doing it" part that gets me good.

Still not talking to bff, that whole situation in itself is more than slightly ridiculous and maybe this is just what our friendship needed to open our eyes. maybe we needed something to let us know that our relationship has in fact changed, and not only that but we as people have changed and grown further apart that we had realized. That's ok right?

The Mr.....is more the Mr now, than ever before. As far as I'm concerned he has stopped doing drugs... Now smoking cigarets is a completely different story, but hey, you can only battle so much at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day and my man may not be built even in a year....but at this point, I am very willing to wait. I truly think I am in love with him. well see.

Skipping the transition-

I am a craft fanatic, all fall and winter long I am all about making the scarfs, mittens, hats, bags- you name Im attempting. All spring and summer long, Im making necklaces and other forms of jewelry. 

I always thought that I needed to grow up and be this big business women climbing her way through corporate america, but the past few months have brought me to my knees in realizations.  

The first one was the fact that I am not made or created to sit through years of vigorous schooling. I have NEVER been good at school, no matter how many hours, tears and lack of sleep I put into it- I just never seem to excel.....so i suppose i can count out being a doctor. 

The second realization i came to was the fact that I possibly could take the things that I am passionate for in life and pursue them as my career...

My dream has always been to open a coffee shop type deal someday, sell my crafts and such and than play music on the weekends......

I love my guitar and I am passionate about my songs....

Why do I need a degree to do the things I do behind closed doors every chance i get.

At this point Im still just brainstorming. I clearly need some motivation and a whole lot of guidance, but the wheels are certainly turning, and all things considered I think this is a great place to be.

happy monday to you all :)

For venting purposes only

Hump day is almost over, and what a day it was.


I have been super proud of myself these past couple weeks.

They have been filled with making coffee at home, not eating out more than once or maybe twice, absolutely NO frivolous shopping sprees other than that new mascara i just couldn't say no to, and making Mr. Man drive for a change so I can skimp on the gas money. I have been very frugal with my time in division between sleep, school work, school and my actual job plus side jobs. I have found myself to be growing in a lot of random ways. Ways which make me smile to myself as I am driving down the road in the morning, or climbing into bed at night. I feel as if every day I wake up and although my days are fairly long and stressful, I feel as if I am just one day closer to walking right into my "purpose" in life.

But on a dimmer note-


First vent-ful situation.

I have a lot of random friends and than I have my few good and close girlfriends, and than I have my BEST FRIEND. The one that has been my partner in crime for YEARS.

She texted me on Sunday as I was walking out of church asking to hang out.
well, my schedule has been like clock work, the same every single week since school started a couple months ago.
I work Mon through Fri all day long, than Mon nights I have class. Wed I work a double and Sat and Sun I spend doing homework all day with the exception of Sun mornings when I take a little breaky poo for God and attend my darling church.

So it was rather odd that she was asking to hang out when my obvious answer would be I'm sorry I'm writing a paper today. And it was also odd how she called me the previous Wed wanting me to come out with her and friend.....knowing that was my day of double madness. So when I responded to her text with my itinerary for the afternoon she simply wrote back ok, well can you just call me when you have time to talk. Which is red flag and code in BFF terms for "I'm mad at you for something and dot dot dot...WE NEED TO TALK"

WEIRD. So I called her up happy to chat with her and immediately she starts going crazy with accusations and selfish lingo. Saying that I am never around and its not fair and I need to get my priority's in order. blah blah blah BLAH

yeah that entire conversation completely came out of left field. I had no idea that there was an issue AT ALL. I mean I totally understand my lack of availability in person as of lately, but I e-mail the girl every single day. I had texted her the day before as I was on my way to work just to tell her that I loved her and hoped her day was going splendid. AAAANNNDD for the past month now I have been creating a secret BFF day. I have been knitting her this gorgeous skarf, I got her the next season of house that she has been dieing for and I was planning on taking her out to dinner one night just to have drinks and get away. I suppose it was like a date for BFF'S. Coincidentaly I had just finished the skarf right before we had our little phone conversation.

It is really sad how everything is going because honestly I have been so stinking busy with school and work and trying to pay these dumb cards off that I havent had any time to see anyone. (Other than the date I went on with the Mr. last friday) but the sad part is how all my other "close" friends have still been in communication with me. In fact I could go months with only talking to them on the phone and we would still be just as close as ever. But apparently BFF doesnt undersand that sometimes for certain periods or season in a persons life, its normal to communicate strictly through e-mails and phone calls. I initially felt bad about the situation, but now after replaying the entire conversation in my head over and over again, I find my self becoming irritated and annoyed. I barily have time to sleep anymore, much less deal with unecessesary drama.

So that whole situation is driving me NUTS

THAN.....

Second Vent-ful situation:


I do all of my banking on line, I pay my bills online, check my statements online...EVERYTHING is done online.

A couple weeks ago, I made a $150.00 payment towards my express card. I have been super excited and proud of myself for all the payments I have been making so I have been excited checking their websites so i can watch my number (debt) decrees.

Now keeping in mind I made this payment two weeks ago, it has yet to be updated in their system. So I gave them a friendly little call today to to reassure myself that nothing was wrong and that they just hadnt updated anything yet.

Wrong again missy mae. My friendly express rep informs me that they never recieved my payment.

Well considering I do EVERYTHING ONLINE and it was DIRECTLY paid to them, and THE MONEY IS NO LONGER IN MY ACCOUNT.....THEY HAD TO HAVE TAKEN IT.

So now I have to jump through all these hoops with my bank and with this stupid company to prove that I did infact pay my bill.

GAAAAAHHH- Im so frustrated with these sticky situations. Its so discouraging.....but at the same time when I take a step back to look at these situations as a whole....its rather chuckle inducing.

Sorry for this downer of a blog, but I needed to start looking for clarity somewhere, and here seemed to be the perfet place to start.

So on a brighter note- tomorrow is Thursday which makes the day after that Friday.
Bring on the weekend, I can use and extra hour of sleep and sanity.

waaaaaaahhh.

nick nack patty wack give the MAN a bone

WELP.

thought I should get a "quickie" in while I have five minuets of breathing time. 

Flash update for you.....

Mr.Man is back.  

yes, despite the obvious that he probably wont change for me, that Im being naive, and that all of my friends are un-supportive of my decisions. Mr. Man is back. I have spent many days thinking (blubbering) about it, and although my head contradicts my heart on many levels, I think I'm in love with him. Not madly in love. Not the kind of love that would fly me half across the world for him. And not the kind of love that would even loan him a thousand dollars. ( Had I not been an idiot with my money, and actually HAD a thousand dollars.) No, the kind of love that keeps me up at night because I know he is still up, being depressed and trying not to cry. My heart hurts more knowing that he is sad and hurt, than it did when I was the only one sad and hurt. Funny ha?

So long story short, I have yet to tell any of my friends that i'm being a complete dumb ass, but as stated before. Mr. Man, is BACK.

I also should probably throw in there that although it has only been one week (minus a day), I may have fallen off of the "work out" band wagon. The Green tea and salt water gurgles may have sped up my immune's recovery system by possibly a day, but I truly believe I have the WORLD'S worst cold. I also have a BIG date tonight with the Mr, so we shall see how he feels about dating a ruldoph. I have leverage though, he does drugs. Therefore, he should never be allowed to crack jokes at my petty problems. RIGHT?  ;)

Anywhoo, 

Happy friday to you folks, I hope your weekends are filled with excitement. Mine will be filled with the Mr. tonight, a lot of sneezing and a couple days of speech writing. Booooo school.

mwuah.

Penny pinching....do these Yoga pants make me look fat?

Judging by my last two posts, I'm sure you can see I am attempting to move up from my safe haven in life...aka...rock bottom, to a much brighter happier place. Where credit cards companies know longer have access to my phone number and the gym employees know me by name, instead of the drive through workers at my local taco bell.....

Yesterday I took my first pro-active step towards my credit cards, as predicted a couple days ago. Instead of paying minimum payment, I threw down a larger sum of my paycheck towards the evil plastic accounts. I know it didn't even make a dent, but I feel pretty darn good about myself right now.

I recently finished reading a book called Beautiful boy by David Sheff. This book was a fathers journey through his sons meth addictions. No I am most certainly NOT a meth head, but I couldn't help but compare my spending habits (my addiction) to his sons rehab and meth experiences. All the ups and downs, ins and outs of rehab. The justifications that using a little here or there is not an addiction, or in my case that purchasing a sweater simply because its on sale.....every other day, is not an addiction. I ROXY GREEN, have a problem. I may not have a rehab center to go to, but I do have a lot of financial boot camp to put myself through.

So here I sit, trying to ponder up ways to save or pinch my pennies so tight that they turn into twenty dollar bills, either one will work for me.

Another quest I am on aside from trying to learn how to budget (and sticking to my budget) is in the wonderful world of health and fitness.

I just purchased a gym membership with a place that had a lot of things that interested me.....AT THE TIME. I want to be able to pop in and out of classes (yoga, pilates, anything else that is going to make my butt look fab and cancel out the flab) as well as be able to use the machines and weights at any given time. Now this gym isn't close to my house, but it is close to my place of employment. So as long as I pack a duffel bag for after work I should be good.

I went to my very first class today, yoga fitness.....NOT yoga 101, or the basics of yoga, or here let me introduce you to the soaring eagle stance, but plain old yoga fitness.
I went completely unprepared and totally excited thinking I was about to start my new life of exercise and happiness. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I stuck around for 3o min of the 75 min class. I left with rubber shaking limbs and a whole lot of discouraging thoughts piling up in my brain waves. I would love to be a yoga person and I feel like between that and pilates my body could benefit due to the fact that I have horrible knees and the running and biking just aren't cutting it. But I felt like such a fool trying to pretend I knew exactly what I was doing and that I was totally meaning to fall every 2 minuets. I want to give it more of a shot that just one crazy class experience, but I tend to get so discouraged when I feel more like a giant piece of flab leaving than I did carrying my normal amount of fat into the class. SUGGESTIONS????

And here is where it gets tricky and all ties together-

I am a very busy gal, always on the run. My commute to and from work is a little over a half an hour Mon- Fri. And I have class on Monday nights. Due to my debt, I am still at home with my parents. So I don't have a nice little kitchen to call my own at this point. I desire with all of my heart to eat healthy, save money, exercise normally, still have a social life and be able to actually enjoy the food I am eating. How do I do this without eating out 24/7? Penny pincher's, I need your help desperately. How do you maintain a normal healthy life, while saving for a (hopefully) much brighter future?

Now off I go to conquer all that is Bible interpretation 101....blaaaahhh

my whits end

So last Sunday I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastating? To me and only me, well i'm sure it was devastating for him as well, but that is besides the point. Shocking? no not really. So here I sit questioning my motives and reasoning. Weighing in the amount of time I have spent bawling the past 5 days and that number of times I have subconsciously tried to call him with intentions to take it all back and pretend like it never happened.

We started dating about 5 months ago and met a few months before that. At the beginning of our friendship I loved weed and experimenting almost as much as he did, but that was a short lived "phase" in my life. I have turned many many things around so as to live a more productive life style and I feel that although I have drastically changed, change for him was never on his mind.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and honestly I contemplated this break up probably for a lot longer than I should have, but I wanted to make sure that I wasn't being rash when I did it.

I had spent the weekend in Winona with one of my best friends and was planning on coming back that Saturday night to dinner with my man and one of our close friends. Oddly enough I had decided during my little vacay that I was going to be 100% in this relationship, no more contemplating anything.

WEEELLL little did I know the way that evening would play out would leave me with a completely different outlook.

needless to say I found out that "mr. man" (we will call him) was actually using other drugs as well and had a habbit of doing it only when I wasnt around so as not to upset me.

BOOOOOOO- I decided right then and there that unless he cleaned up his life, our future together was going to be short lived.

so I spoke with him last sunday, did the dirty and ended it while blubbering endlessly through out he whole thing. It was more like an ultimatum break up because although we arent "together" I still want to work things out for the future should he decide to clean up.

My biggest thing was that I didnt want to ask him to change or quit anything because I didnt want him to change for me. Or even worse I didnt want him to tell me to my face that he wouldnt change for me. But what I wanted him to do was change for himself. To change and clean up his potential filled life, get motivated and do it all because he decided that was what needed to be done. Not because his nagging girl friend saw it fitting.

so 4 days passed with out any communication.....LONGEST 4 days of my life, and than today he finally texted me expressing his concern and his need for me. I have been texting back and forth with him ever since this morning. waaaaahhhh..... Am I breaking myself by doing this? we talked about stuff and he told me that he is going to change and not for the wrong reasons. So I am hopefull, but I am also not stupid. As badly as I want to skip these next few months because I know they will probably be spent without him close to my side, I know that I need to continue to give him his space and allow him to change. Or else it might never happen and we will be back to square one which is no where.

who knows, I will probably grow over the next few months as well wich is nothing to look down upon. Still- Its not only hard and frustrating but its sad. My life hurts right now and I would really like it to stop.

and on that note- goodnight.

First day of the rest of my life

well here is the first of many. Its a brand new day one that should be charged at with full force, a red pen and my check list in life. BUT, instead ill just drag my butt out of bed, coffee cup in hand and hope for the best.

Tomorrow, I start paying off my credit cards. I'm 21 and have somewhere around 4,500 racked up. As a full time student I don't find it that embarrassing that I still live at home BUT since I have a full time job as well and am quite capable of moving out I need to pay of these crazy cards. This past week or two was a real kick in the butt for me in coming to terms with reality. I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FINANCE MY LIFE.

It is not and exaggeration when I tell you that i have a HORRIBLE spending problem and truly don't know how to control myself. I have felt in the past that I need to be spending money, no matter what i'm spending it on. I could walk into a store and buy pencils just to feel good about myself because I have something inside of me 24/7 that says "YOU MUST SPEND SPEND SPEND". Its not all on selfish things though, I love to pay for other people as well, but that might just be because I love spending so dang much. Which I suppose is still selfish. HA

Anywhoo- that is all going to change fairly soon here because I am sick of living the way that I am, with the constant stress and pressure. I should own money, money should not own me.


Semi Snow ball effect starts tomorrow. (thank you pastor Bob)