nick nack patty wack give the MAN a bone

WELP.

thought I should get a "quickie" in while I have five minuets of breathing time. 

Flash update for you.....

Mr.Man is back.  

yes, despite the obvious that he probably wont change for me, that Im being naive, and that all of my friends are un-supportive of my decisions. Mr. Man is back. I have spent many days thinking (blubbering) about it, and although my head contradicts my heart on many levels, I think I'm in love with him. Not madly in love. Not the kind of love that would fly me half across the world for him. And not the kind of love that would even loan him a thousand dollars. ( Had I not been an idiot with my money, and actually HAD a thousand dollars.) No, the kind of love that keeps me up at night because I know he is still up, being depressed and trying not to cry. My heart hurts more knowing that he is sad and hurt, than it did when I was the only one sad and hurt. Funny ha?

So long story short, I have yet to tell any of my friends that i'm being a complete dumb ass, but as stated before. Mr. Man, is BACK.

I also should probably throw in there that although it has only been one week (minus a day), I may have fallen off of the "work out" band wagon. The Green tea and salt water gurgles may have sped up my immune's recovery system by possibly a day, but I truly believe I have the WORLD'S worst cold. I also have a BIG date tonight with the Mr, so we shall see how he feels about dating a ruldoph. I have leverage though, he does drugs. Therefore, he should never be allowed to crack jokes at my petty problems. RIGHT?  ;)

Anywhoo, 

Happy friday to you folks, I hope your weekends are filled with excitement. Mine will be filled with the Mr. tonight, a lot of sneezing and a couple days of speech writing. Booooo school.

mwuah.

Penny pinching....do these Yoga pants make me look fat?

Judging by my last two posts, I'm sure you can see I am attempting to move up from my safe haven in life...aka...rock bottom, to a much brighter happier place. Where credit cards companies know longer have access to my phone number and the gym employees know me by name, instead of the drive through workers at my local taco bell.....

Yesterday I took my first pro-active step towards my credit cards, as predicted a couple days ago. Instead of paying minimum payment, I threw down a larger sum of my paycheck towards the evil plastic accounts. I know it didn't even make a dent, but I feel pretty darn good about myself right now.

I recently finished reading a book called Beautiful boy by David Sheff. This book was a fathers journey through his sons meth addictions. No I am most certainly NOT a meth head, but I couldn't help but compare my spending habits (my addiction) to his sons rehab and meth experiences. All the ups and downs, ins and outs of rehab. The justifications that using a little here or there is not an addiction, or in my case that purchasing a sweater simply because its on sale.....every other day, is not an addiction. I ROXY GREEN, have a problem. I may not have a rehab center to go to, but I do have a lot of financial boot camp to put myself through.

So here I sit, trying to ponder up ways to save or pinch my pennies so tight that they turn into twenty dollar bills, either one will work for me.

Another quest I am on aside from trying to learn how to budget (and sticking to my budget) is in the wonderful world of health and fitness.

I just purchased a gym membership with a place that had a lot of things that interested me.....AT THE TIME. I want to be able to pop in and out of classes (yoga, pilates, anything else that is going to make my butt look fab and cancel out the flab) as well as be able to use the machines and weights at any given time. Now this gym isn't close to my house, but it is close to my place of employment. So as long as I pack a duffel bag for after work I should be good.

I went to my very first class today, yoga fitness.....NOT yoga 101, or the basics of yoga, or here let me introduce you to the soaring eagle stance, but plain old yoga fitness.
I went completely unprepared and totally excited thinking I was about to start my new life of exercise and happiness. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I stuck around for 3o min of the 75 min class. I left with rubber shaking limbs and a whole lot of discouraging thoughts piling up in my brain waves. I would love to be a yoga person and I feel like between that and pilates my body could benefit due to the fact that I have horrible knees and the running and biking just aren't cutting it. But I felt like such a fool trying to pretend I knew exactly what I was doing and that I was totally meaning to fall every 2 minuets. I want to give it more of a shot that just one crazy class experience, but I tend to get so discouraged when I feel more like a giant piece of flab leaving than I did carrying my normal amount of fat into the class. SUGGESTIONS????

And here is where it gets tricky and all ties together-

I am a very busy gal, always on the run. My commute to and from work is a little over a half an hour Mon- Fri. And I have class on Monday nights. Due to my debt, I am still at home with my parents. So I don't have a nice little kitchen to call my own at this point. I desire with all of my heart to eat healthy, save money, exercise normally, still have a social life and be able to actually enjoy the food I am eating. How do I do this without eating out 24/7? Penny pincher's, I need your help desperately. How do you maintain a normal healthy life, while saving for a (hopefully) much brighter future?

Now off I go to conquer all that is Bible interpretation 101....blaaaahhh

my whits end

So last Sunday I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastating? To me and only me, well i'm sure it was devastating for him as well, but that is besides the point. Shocking? no not really. So here I sit questioning my motives and reasoning. Weighing in the amount of time I have spent bawling the past 5 days and that number of times I have subconsciously tried to call him with intentions to take it all back and pretend like it never happened.

We started dating about 5 months ago and met a few months before that. At the beginning of our friendship I loved weed and experimenting almost as much as he did, but that was a short lived "phase" in my life. I have turned many many things around so as to live a more productive life style and I feel that although I have drastically changed, change for him was never on his mind.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and honestly I contemplated this break up probably for a lot longer than I should have, but I wanted to make sure that I wasn't being rash when I did it.

I had spent the weekend in Winona with one of my best friends and was planning on coming back that Saturday night to dinner with my man and one of our close friends. Oddly enough I had decided during my little vacay that I was going to be 100% in this relationship, no more contemplating anything.

WEEELLL little did I know the way that evening would play out would leave me with a completely different outlook.

needless to say I found out that "mr. man" (we will call him) was actually using other drugs as well and had a habbit of doing it only when I wasnt around so as not to upset me.

BOOOOOOO- I decided right then and there that unless he cleaned up his life, our future together was going to be short lived.

so I spoke with him last sunday, did the dirty and ended it while blubbering endlessly through out he whole thing. It was more like an ultimatum break up because although we arent "together" I still want to work things out for the future should he decide to clean up.

My biggest thing was that I didnt want to ask him to change or quit anything because I didnt want him to change for me. Or even worse I didnt want him to tell me to my face that he wouldnt change for me. But what I wanted him to do was change for himself. To change and clean up his potential filled life, get motivated and do it all because he decided that was what needed to be done. Not because his nagging girl friend saw it fitting.

so 4 days passed with out any communication.....LONGEST 4 days of my life, and than today he finally texted me expressing his concern and his need for me. I have been texting back and forth with him ever since this morning. waaaaahhhh..... Am I breaking myself by doing this? we talked about stuff and he told me that he is going to change and not for the wrong reasons. So I am hopefull, but I am also not stupid. As badly as I want to skip these next few months because I know they will probably be spent without him close to my side, I know that I need to continue to give him his space and allow him to change. Or else it might never happen and we will be back to square one which is no where.

who knows, I will probably grow over the next few months as well wich is nothing to look down upon. Still- Its not only hard and frustrating but its sad. My life hurts right now and I would really like it to stop.

and on that note- goodnight.

First day of the rest of my life

well here is the first of many. Its a brand new day one that should be charged at with full force, a red pen and my check list in life. BUT, instead ill just drag my butt out of bed, coffee cup in hand and hope for the best.

Tomorrow, I start paying off my credit cards. I'm 21 and have somewhere around 4,500 racked up. As a full time student I don't find it that embarrassing that I still live at home BUT since I have a full time job as well and am quite capable of moving out I need to pay of these crazy cards. This past week or two was a real kick in the butt for me in coming to terms with reality. I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FINANCE MY LIFE.

It is not and exaggeration when I tell you that i have a HORRIBLE spending problem and truly don't know how to control myself. I have felt in the past that I need to be spending money, no matter what i'm spending it on. I could walk into a store and buy pencils just to feel good about myself because I have something inside of me 24/7 that says "YOU MUST SPEND SPEND SPEND". Its not all on selfish things though, I love to pay for other people as well, but that might just be because I love spending so dang much. Which I suppose is still selfish. HA

Anywhoo- that is all going to change fairly soon here because I am sick of living the way that I am, with the constant stress and pressure. I should own money, money should not own me.


Semi Snow ball effect starts tomorrow. (thank you pastor Bob)